The Wedding

Last Thursday we witnessed and celebrated Nicole’s wedding. It was a beautiful day. Oh sure, it was rushed and we had some mishaps, and even a couple of the extended family got their noses out of joint to some degree or another as with any wedding day in any other family. But it was a beautiful day.

I was overwhelmed by the love and generosity of so many of our friends, neighbors and family members. Their support means everything and support us they did.

We are delighted to welcome Dan to our family. We could easily see that Dan’s family has welcomed Nicole with the same open arms.

Nicole and Dan were married by M. Richard Walker, President of the Salt Lake LDS Temple. It is traditional for the Officiator performing the ceremony to say a few words of counsel and advice to the young couple prior to pronouncing the words they came to hear (“… you may kiss as husband and wife …”) and President Walker did not disappoint.

Nicole was counseled to receive Dan as her husband while Dan was similarly encouraged to receive Nicole as his wife. “Receive” was defined as taking them as the “worthy but imperfect human beings they are today.” They were told that in the world the method of improving one another is to point out the faults of one another to one another so they can improve upon them. President Walker instructed them that this method does not often lead to that desired improved state.

He counseled them instead to practice what many would call positive reinforcement – he termed it “… simply the gospel of Jesus Christ.” President Walker gave us a wonderful example. I paraphrase him poorly here, but I think you’ll get the point.

President Walker told Dan that one day soon, Nicole would have one of the worst days of her life and as she prepared dinner for that evening, the day would continue badly when the fine dinner she planned would be burned. Because of time and money constraints she would have to serve it.
What Nicole would be unaware of, in this illustration, is that Dan was similarly having a very bad day himself and could hardly wait to get home to his bride and a well cooked dinner. Imagine his surprise!

It is at this point that President Walker’s advice gets very practical. He told Dan not to make a joke of any kind, but especially not one even remotely related to Nicole, his mother and cooking. He told Dan to choke it down and when done, to simply thank Nicole for dinner.

He noted that Dan should not make the easy mistake of saying something like, “Thanks that was just great,” because Nicole would know he was insincere. Simple thanks was all that was needed and would be best.

And then President Walker noted that on another day when the fare was truly wonderful, Dan should heap all the praise he can on that meal. Nicole would adore him all the more because of his unconditional love with his simple and sincere thanks on the day when the dinner was less than either of them wished it to be and his praise on the day when it was deserved.

This has caused me to think much since then about what I believe is an axiom of human effort. I learned as a young LDS missionary in Western Scotland that people respond to how they are treated. As a leader of missionaries I lived by the motto, “Treat them like zits and they will act like zits.” While this may sound silly today, and I would probably trade the word zits for something else, this is still the way I feel about leadership in general.

When I discovered years ago that I was not always the positive, building leader that I wished to be, I decided then and there that I would not ever ignore the tough things, or even procrastinate, but that I would always prepare for them in the days, weeks and months ahead of such uncomfortable conversations by laying a groundwork of positive and thankful comments. I set out that day to say “thank you” for every effort and to say it all the time. I am not insincere. I thank people for what they have actually done.

There are some who do not understand this and think I overdo it. I assure you I do not. I’ve lived the other way. The fear-based style of leadership, or the picky, never satisfied style of some, quite frankly wears people down pretty quickly. Forget that ingratiating subordinate that says he has “learned so much from you.” His opinion won’t last any longer than your boss/subordinate relationship. And the rest of your staff is ready to leave when they have a remotely better opportunity.

The axiom of human effort? It is this: If someone makes some effort for you – especially one that is voluntary and you choose to find the errors or flaws, well, they probably will not make that kind of effort ever again. The only time they will is if they were doing it for something other than you. They freely gave. I think you owe them sincere thanks.

And if they ask how they can improve you owe them the truth – carefully and considerately delivered. But even then, you need to tell them more of the good than the bad. They say seven good things for every one bad (whoever “they” are.)

But I digress (as usual.) I’d tell you about the wedding reception, but most of you were there. It was very nice from my point of view even after an hour of bringing stuff into The Atrium at the Western Garden Center, standing there for two straight hours shaking hands, laughing and hugging my dearest friends, neighbors and family, and then spending the last hour loading stuff into cars.

So, it was a beautiful day. The happy couple are off honeymooning now. They look good together. They are so happy. How they will face the coming months of separation when Dan leaves in just a few weeks to attend Basic Training and Tech School for the Utah Air National Guard will be interesting to watch. I’m sure it will be painful. But the reunion will be exquisite.