“The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last year.” (John Foster Dulles, 1888-1959)
I read this enduring comment by former Secretary of State John Foster Dulles last night while my family continues to wrestle with the consequences of the advanced alcoholism and anti-social behavior of one of our beloved family members. The tough problems are not just the same ones we have seen but are repeating fast and furiously.
In fact, the problems are recurring more often - and with greater intensity than in previous years. And as they occur again, and again, some members of the extended family continue apply the same remedies used in past years - remedies which have quite obviously not worked.
I read this enduring comment by former Secretary of State John Foster Dulles last night while my family continues to wrestle with the consequences of the advanced alcoholism and anti-social behavior of one of our beloved family members. The tough problems are not just the same ones we have seen but are repeating fast and furiously.
In fact, the problems are recurring more often - and with greater intensity than in previous years. And as they occur again, and again, some members of the extended family continue apply the same remedies used in past years - remedies which have quite obviously not worked.
Some, like me for example, count the cost and argue that these “cures” are actually leading to an increase in the unwelcome behavior.
One by one, members of the extended family are coming to realize that providing a safety net to this well-loved, even well-liked, but exasperating family member is counter-productive. The frustration level with those who continue to provide “help,” that is, making resources available to misuse, is growing at a rate commensurate with the destructive behavior.
Decades ago, when I was appointed a minor leader in my local church congregation a wise old bishop told me that most people change only when they are in pain and then they only enough to stop the pain. I thought this overly pessimistic at the time; however, after almost two decades of such service, including as a bishop, I’ve come to know this to be quite true.
During my service to the members of my local congregation, I also learned that money rarely cures poor habits or behavioral choices. It tends to spread the problem over a longer period of time, and only puts off the needed change until all the resources, or the patience of those with the resources, are exhausted.
Until the pain is acute enough to force a change there will be no real change.
But what about the kids? Do you prop up a family unit with a parent, or parents who make poor decisions over and over again just so the children won’t suffer in any way? And if so, how exactly do you do that? The most painful suffering has little to do with where or how they live, or whether the bills are paid. It is related to how little abuse they are subjected to, and much parental attention and love they receive.
If the authorities don’t see a reason to remove the children from the home, what makes you think you should have the right to force your life-style choices on another family unit? If you don’t agree with the life-style choices of a family unit, you have few real choices available to you.
You can withhold your resources. That may make continued pursuit of the destructive life-style impossible. But don't forget, when the pain level rises so does the volume.
You could shut off contact – withhold your love, I suppose, but that would make any influence for good you might have with them impotent.
Of course, you can always lecture and preach at them. But that may ensure that they will stop visiting you, and again, any influence you might have on the situation is nil.
There may be times when they need honest answers, but those times usually correspond to a moment of pain when they reach out and not when you think they need to hear it. Those are golden moments. You should not pass those up no matter how hopeless the situation appears or becomes.
It all comes back to choices and liberty, true solutions and pain levels. Because one member of an extended family chooses to behave in a destructive manner does not mean that all members of the family lost the right to choose how they will spend their time or money.
One by one, members of the extended family are coming to realize that providing a safety net to this well-loved, even well-liked, but exasperating family member is counter-productive. The frustration level with those who continue to provide “help,” that is, making resources available to misuse, is growing at a rate commensurate with the destructive behavior.
Decades ago, when I was appointed a minor leader in my local church congregation a wise old bishop told me that most people change only when they are in pain and then they only enough to stop the pain. I thought this overly pessimistic at the time; however, after almost two decades of such service, including as a bishop, I’ve come to know this to be quite true.
During my service to the members of my local congregation, I also learned that money rarely cures poor habits or behavioral choices. It tends to spread the problem over a longer period of time, and only puts off the needed change until all the resources, or the patience of those with the resources, are exhausted.
Until the pain is acute enough to force a change there will be no real change.
But what about the kids? Do you prop up a family unit with a parent, or parents who make poor decisions over and over again just so the children won’t suffer in any way? And if so, how exactly do you do that? The most painful suffering has little to do with where or how they live, or whether the bills are paid. It is related to how little abuse they are subjected to, and much parental attention and love they receive.
If the authorities don’t see a reason to remove the children from the home, what makes you think you should have the right to force your life-style choices on another family unit? If you don’t agree with the life-style choices of a family unit, you have few real choices available to you.
You can withhold your resources. That may make continued pursuit of the destructive life-style impossible. But don't forget, when the pain level rises so does the volume.
You could shut off contact – withhold your love, I suppose, but that would make any influence for good you might have with them impotent.
Of course, you can always lecture and preach at them. But that may ensure that they will stop visiting you, and again, any influence you might have on the situation is nil.
There may be times when they need honest answers, but those times usually correspond to a moment of pain when they reach out and not when you think they need to hear it. Those are golden moments. You should not pass those up no matter how hopeless the situation appears or becomes.
It all comes back to choices and liberty, true solutions and pain levels. Because one member of an extended family chooses to behave in a destructive manner does not mean that all members of the family lost the right to choose how they will spend their time or money.
Running to the rescue may be the most destructive thing we can do over the long haul.
Choosing not to apply band-aids when hospitalization is needed will cause the pain to increase to unacceptable levels. They call this “tough-love” and everyone can talk about it right up until the moment they have to apply it. At that point, I have noticed, the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth hold hands with guilt and uncertainty and combine to break down the most fortified defenses.
And God help those whose defenses are cemented, for they are in for a long, lonely ride until most of the rest of the family come to recognize the inadequate nature of their own assistance.
What is not inadequate even if it seems simple? It seems to me that the big things are holding their hand when the pain is intense, reminding them we love, accept and believe in them, and being completely honest with them when they want to know what they need to do. And allow, as my Grandmother Tibbitts used to say, the chickens to come home to roost. Let them feel, see and taste the consequences of their decisions. They are, after all, their decisions. They chose.
Secretary Dulles died when I was three-years old, and he may have been talking about national or global problems when he made this timeless and quoted comment, but if the solutions we are using aren’t making the tough problems we face different from year to year, we are simply recycling the same problem into a different time and space. We aren’t using real solutions. All we are doing is assuaging our own guilt and making ourselves feel falsely hopeful for a time.
We ought to change.
No comments:
Post a Comment