On What Constitutes "Good Men"

I’ve had the good fortune of having the same best friend since the middle of high school. This is despite now living in different states, having different religious backgrounds and practices, very different professions, and even falling out of touch for several years. Russ has been my closest male friend since 1972 and we regularly “correspond.” We also stay up on family events and try to see one another at least annually.

Most of the rest of my close male friends come (and go) with a particular professional experience, community organization, church congregation, or neighborhood. They are more like very close acquaintances. We work together, are neighborly, and may even golf together, but once our reason for meeting disappears, we are friendly when we see one another, but aren’t really “there” for one another – except at a funeral or wedding reception.

In recent years, I joined a fraternal organization and discovered many more close acquaintances and a couple of other men that I will probably remain close with wherever they may go or whatever they may do. The friendship seems to be mutually reciprocal. It has been very satisfying, for I have discovered as I have matured, that men need the company of good men in order to become better men.

I’ve known for a long time that boys need good men to model their behavior, and I suppose at some level I knew that young men who enter the military or go off to college can be led from traditional values by the wrong crowd. But it is also true that long after you have become the man you are, the company of good men can make a difference in your personal growth.

Russ continues to influence my life for good, as does Todd. And so do Robert and Kim (the new friends.) They do so not only because they would deem it important to be a close friend to a character like me, but also because they are “good men.”

After my experience at the Highland High Jr. Air Force ROTC Awards Assembly last week, I spent the whole weekend working in the yard, sitting in church, or visiting with my children and grandchildren and reflecting on what makes a “good man.”

We hear someone described as a “good man” at funerals, in recommendations for positions or honors, and sometimes just wistfully in a discussion. Sometimes it is a defense made by another for the actions of that man when he has been a complete dolt and we’re trying to say that the action was out of character, as in, “Yes, I know he was a complete dolt, but you know, deep down, he’s a good man.”

So what constitutes a “good man?” Hardworking? I’ve known lots of hardworking men who I didn’t think were good men. A donkey is hardworking, and we wouldn’t for a moment think of calling it a good man. Religious? There are very religious men who are unpleasant and uncaring. They save all their goodness for an unseen God and treat His creations like unworthy sinners. Dependable? Well, now we are just describing a paper diaper. Brilliant? Hardly. Handsome? Now that is just silly.

What is it then? First, I am quite sure what constitutes a good man is as variable as there are people describing them. Second, understanding this variable nature of the definition, there must be some characteristics which are recognized by a majority of people, because we see a lot of people nodding their heads in agreement when some men are so described.

I remember people saying of my own Grandfather, he’d give you “the shirt off his back.” I think that this trait, generosity, is a trait most would agree is a characteristic of a good man.

General classes of men that we consider good include firemen. They are willing to set themselves aside and run into a burning building for others – and for very little money. This selflessness would have to be a characteristic of good men. Boy Scout leaders are often said to be good men. So giving time, energy and even money to the development of youth would qualify as a characteristic of a good man.

Men who give of themselves to their employers and customers, their families, their neighbors, their friends, and their community can be good men, although I’m not sure how good they are if they only give of themselves to those they like. It isn’t the giving. It is connected to how freely they give what they have in time, talents, and resources. If they feel like they have to give, and give grumbling all the way then we probably wouldn’t think of them as good men. We might not even think they really gave.

If a man gives when he sees a need; quickly, voluntarily, cheerfully, unselfishly, without recrimination, then he is probably a good man. And frankly, my closest friends are constantly giving of themselves quickly, voluntarily, cheerfully, and unselfishly. They really are good men. And associating with them makes me better.